Friday 11 May 2012

Being off work with depression

I've found it surprisingly difficult being off work.  Before I was off, I was desperate for a break and desperate to not be at work.  I even considered hurting myself so that I could legitimately have some time off.  But when the doctor actually said that I wasn't fit for work, I felt extremely guilty.  I felt that I was letting everyone down by being off work: my parents would be disappointed, my boyfriend would think I was making it up and being lazy, my colleagues would have more pressure on them and would resent me because they were also stressed, the school would have to spend money on a supply teacher, my class would miss out on learning, I would fall even further behind on things.  And my marking wasn't up to date, so I couldn't be off until it was up to date.  The doctor suggested five weeks off, until the next half term, but that sounded like far too long and I didn't think I needed all that time.

After a few days, I began to relax and that was when I realised just how bad things had become.  Other symptoms of depression began to appear, which had previously been masked by the constant adrenaline of trying to get through each day.  But I began to feel a little bit like myself again, or at least to remember that this tearful, stressed person wasn't really who I was.

A week after being signed off, I began to worry about whether or not to go back at the end of the fortnight.  I didn't feel ready to go back and I knew that I needed more time to recover.  If I went back next week, things would just slip back to the way they were.  If I had a bit longer, I might be able to develop strategies that would enable me to cope.  I was still experiencing symptoms of depression and still tired.  I knew that I would be a more effective teacher in the long run if I took time to recover properly.  The school would manage somehow.  And this time off might save my teaching career.

Yet I still felt guilty.  I was feeling better than previously.  The crisis period was over.  Everyone at work is under a lot of pressure and feeling stressed.  Why do I deserve five weeks off and not them?  I felt like people would expect me to go back as soon as possible.  I worried that they think I'm being lazy and slacking off.  Or that they think I'm just weak and can't cope.  I worried about what my class would think and how the parents would react.  It's only three more weeks until half term.  Couldn't I just cope somehow until then?  Lots of the articles that I've read on the internet have suggested that going back to work increases ones sense of purpose and helps with recovery (except that it was the cause of my problems).

I went over and over the arguments in my head, but I knew that my gut feeling was that I wasn't ready.  Luckily, my doctor immediately agreed to signing me off further and said that he was happy to sign me off for as long as I need, even if that means another term.  He explained that he'd deliberately written 'work stress' on the sick note because if I wasn't doing this job then I wouldn't be depressed.

Now that I've been signed off again, I'm feeling more relaxed and more focused on getting better.  The messages I've had from colleagues have all been very supportive.  Friends have expressed that they are glad I am taking time to reflect on things.  In the long run, this time off will help me to get better.

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