I'm currently signed off work with work-related stress and secondary depression, so I thought I'd share my experiences and some of the things that have helped me. It's a bit of a departure from the old posts on here about things I've made and things I'd like to make, but it fits within the title of my blog!
When the doctor diagnosed depression, I wasn't sure I believed him. I knew that my symptoms matched those of depression. I was exhausted, tearful, feeling inadequate, feeling detached with a lack of awareness about what was going on around me and lacked motivation and enjoyment in my work and my hobbies. I had been in tears driving to work, at work I felt faint and when I got home I was too tired to do anything. I was stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and they would just swirl around inside my head until I ended up in tears. I've had a recurrent pain in my lower right abdomen for years and it's always been worse when I'm run down or stressed. This pain was now getting quite severe. While driving to work or home from work after another stressful day, random scary thoughts would pop into my head: "I wonder what would happen if I just drove into that tree." I hadn't read a book for weeks, let alone done anything creative (both of which I had previously really enjoyed). Yet I still felt somehow that it wasn't depression.
Still, I was relieved to be signed off work. I felt guilty about not being able to cope and about letting my colleagues down or increasing the pressure on them. But I knew that I had not been an effective teacher recently and that I wasn't going to be able to cope without time off. For months I'd felt this building up. I would wake up in the morning, struggling to get out of bed, and ask myself whether it had finally got so bad that I needed to call in sick. Most mornings, I managed to drag myself out of bed and struggle through the day. Last Tuesday morning, the answer to that question was "yes", and I knew I needed to go to the doctor.
The doctor was very supportive and explained that long-term stress can cause depression. He recommended signing me off work until half term, anti-depressants and mindfulness. I agreed to all three, but only two weeks off work because I felt guilty about taking any longer and didn't feel that I needed that long.
The first feeling was huge relief that there actually was something wrong and I wasn't just going mad. I was also relieved that I had sought help and the doctor had taken my concerns seriously. And I was very relieved to have a break from work. I knew that I needed to make the most of this time off to sort out a few of my problems and develop coping strategies for when I go back to work. I developed a daily plan, which I will share in my next post, and began researching depression and mindfulness. It was only after a few days off that I was able to realise just how bad things had become during the last few weeks and to accept that I was suffering from depression.
I found the Black Dog Institute's website to be really helpful in recognising the symptoms of depression and found that I could identify with their descriptions of what depression feels like.
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/
Friends and colleagues were very supportive when I told them why I was signed off work. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at how understanding my dad was. I'm not sure my mum quite understood and she kept telling me things like, "Yes, your sister isn't enjoying her job either." She came to visit me the next day and said she was surprised at how chirpy I was.
I don't think I appear to be depressed to most people. Outwardly, I'm not exactly cheerful, but I don't look or sound as miserable as people expect. What they can't see are the thoughts that consume me from the inside or the hollow feeling beneath my smile. Subconsciously, I think I'd also made sure that no-one knew all of my symptoms. A few friends (who are also colleagues) knew about some of the negative thoughts, some of the crying and the exhaustion. My boyfriend knew about the pain and the feeling faint. My family just knew I was fed up with work. I hadn't told anyone about things like the thoughts about driving into a tree, partly because I didn't want to worry them.
After a week off work, I'm beginning to feel a bit like myself again, but I have recognised that I still have a long way to go and it might take more than two weeks off work before I can successfully return.
Anyway, not all my posts will be this gloomy, but I wanted to document my experiences from the beginning.
When the doctor diagnosed depression, I wasn't sure I believed him. I knew that my symptoms matched those of depression. I was exhausted, tearful, feeling inadequate, feeling detached with a lack of awareness about what was going on around me and lacked motivation and enjoyment in my work and my hobbies. I had been in tears driving to work, at work I felt faint and when I got home I was too tired to do anything. I was stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and they would just swirl around inside my head until I ended up in tears. I've had a recurrent pain in my lower right abdomen for years and it's always been worse when I'm run down or stressed. This pain was now getting quite severe. While driving to work or home from work after another stressful day, random scary thoughts would pop into my head: "I wonder what would happen if I just drove into that tree." I hadn't read a book for weeks, let alone done anything creative (both of which I had previously really enjoyed). Yet I still felt somehow that it wasn't depression.
Still, I was relieved to be signed off work. I felt guilty about not being able to cope and about letting my colleagues down or increasing the pressure on them. But I knew that I had not been an effective teacher recently and that I wasn't going to be able to cope without time off. For months I'd felt this building up. I would wake up in the morning, struggling to get out of bed, and ask myself whether it had finally got so bad that I needed to call in sick. Most mornings, I managed to drag myself out of bed and struggle through the day. Last Tuesday morning, the answer to that question was "yes", and I knew I needed to go to the doctor.
The doctor was very supportive and explained that long-term stress can cause depression. He recommended signing me off work until half term, anti-depressants and mindfulness. I agreed to all three, but only two weeks off work because I felt guilty about taking any longer and didn't feel that I needed that long.
The first feeling was huge relief that there actually was something wrong and I wasn't just going mad. I was also relieved that I had sought help and the doctor had taken my concerns seriously. And I was very relieved to have a break from work. I knew that I needed to make the most of this time off to sort out a few of my problems and develop coping strategies for when I go back to work. I developed a daily plan, which I will share in my next post, and began researching depression and mindfulness. It was only after a few days off that I was able to realise just how bad things had become during the last few weeks and to accept that I was suffering from depression.
I found the Black Dog Institute's website to be really helpful in recognising the symptoms of depression and found that I could identify with their descriptions of what depression feels like.
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/
Friends and colleagues were very supportive when I told them why I was signed off work. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at how understanding my dad was. I'm not sure my mum quite understood and she kept telling me things like, "Yes, your sister isn't enjoying her job either." She came to visit me the next day and said she was surprised at how chirpy I was.
I don't think I appear to be depressed to most people. Outwardly, I'm not exactly cheerful, but I don't look or sound as miserable as people expect. What they can't see are the thoughts that consume me from the inside or the hollow feeling beneath my smile. Subconsciously, I think I'd also made sure that no-one knew all of my symptoms. A few friends (who are also colleagues) knew about some of the negative thoughts, some of the crying and the exhaustion. My boyfriend knew about the pain and the feeling faint. My family just knew I was fed up with work. I hadn't told anyone about things like the thoughts about driving into a tree, partly because I didn't want to worry them.
After a week off work, I'm beginning to feel a bit like myself again, but I have recognised that I still have a long way to go and it might take more than two weeks off work before I can successfully return.
Anyway, not all my posts will be this gloomy, but I wanted to document my experiences from the beginning.
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