Yesterday, things seemed to be going really well. It was sunny. I felt cheerful, almost happy for the first time in ages. I even considered going back to work before half term.
Then this morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and the thoughts started up again. During the day, I can control them. I can be rational. But at 5 a.m. they are in control. At 5 a.m. I am convinced that I will end up alone and miserable for the rest of my life. So what is the point of life. I will die alone, with no family or friends. Then I realised that I didn't mind the thought of dying. It was the thought of all those years of life that were the problem. I even started debating with myself which would be the easiest way out. But not yet. Even at 5 a.m., it was only an option for the future. I lay in bed, silently crying.
I realised I wasn't going to get back to sleep so I got up and finished reading my book. By 7 a.m. things seemed okay again. But it scares me that my mood can change so drastically.
Then this morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and the thoughts started up again. During the day, I can control them. I can be rational. But at 5 a.m. they are in control. At 5 a.m. I am convinced that I will end up alone and miserable for the rest of my life. So what is the point of life. I will die alone, with no family or friends. Then I realised that I didn't mind the thought of dying. It was the thought of all those years of life that were the problem. I even started debating with myself which would be the easiest way out. But not yet. Even at 5 a.m., it was only an option for the future. I lay in bed, silently crying.
I realised I wasn't going to get back to sleep so I got up and finished reading my book. By 7 a.m. things seemed okay again. But it scares me that my mood can change so drastically.
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